“You said I couldn’t go” I yell. “No I didn’t , I asked why would you!’ he yells back. He didn’t understand. I loved him but I couldn’t be with him right now, it all felt too real. I wanted to travel at least once more, but my travels always take a few months. It’s my life. I love seeing the world and writing books about it, it has paid off time and time again.
“Because Robert… it’s my life!” I was getting flustered and running out of things to say.
“Then what am I?!” he shouts at me. I sat down crying on the couch. “What am I supposed to be in your life!”. Ignoring his words, I got back up. Taking off my heels, in a silly effort to keep myself together. “Answer me please!” he begs me.
“I am sleepy”, I told him. It was always my excuse to avoid an argument or something I didn’t want to face.
“No Rebbeca! You told me you weren’t going to go on trips anymore. That you were done.”
“Robert! I want to go to sleep!” I began to pout, tears streaming down my face. His eyes were watery too. “Why would you take another trip, why would you agree to this deal”, he asked me more softly.
“You let me go on trips before!” I began. “Yeah with me!” he clarifies, “why do you want to go by yourself.”
“Let me go to bed. Robert! Move!” I threw my shoes at the door, not wanting to hurt him but letting him know I was at my limit with all of this.
“Damn it Rebbeca!” he slams his fit through a the plaster wall causing me to jump up in shock. He wasn’t one to get aggressive and it was causing fear to creep up on me. He noticed that I was scared and I saw the confliction in his eyes as he took deep breaths. Trying to calm down he brings himself to face me. “Look, if you want to go fine. But how long? When will you be back?” He ask as if trying to reason with himself.
“I… I don’t really know….” I started to mumble. Everything I would try to say would come out wrong at this point.
“Rebecca you have to tell me” he says trying to make eye contact with me. I couldn’t look him in eyes, his pain was all my fault. “”What are you hiding?” he questions, I look at the door unable to bring myself to face him. “do you even plan on coming back ?” he says slowly with desperation in his voice. He figured it out. Was I that readable to him? He knew what I was trying to do even if I didn’t want to fully admit it.
“Robert enough, I want to go to bed” I yell.
“No” he says this time more stern “I want to know that if you leave on this trip, are you coming back?”
“Robert please” I cry out, practically begging for us to stop this conversation. I was sobbing at this point, my breathing was becoming harder, as full mode panic started to set in. Was I really thinking of doing this?
“Are you leaving me?” he questions his voice was desperate, his stance was off. A mess. He didn’t know how to react. “Leaving everything we did? This life we have built?”
I ran to him. I didn’t know why, but I needed to. He opens his arms slightly caught off guard but caught me as I jump into his arms, wrapping my legs around his waist and arms around his neck as I attach my lips to his. Shock, but he kissed me back with just as much eagerness. “Bed”, I whisper softly into his ears before locking lips with him again. He didn’t hesitate, walking across our living room, he kicked open our bedroom door and brought me inside, laying me down on the bed.
Neither of us said a word as our clothes came off. The motions we have repeated countless of times over the years. Our bodies easily finding each other once again in an embrace. His hands brushed away my tears as he looked into my eyes, holding my gaze. “I love you” he whispers not sure if I would say it back. “I love you too” I say my voice was unsteady. Our motions began and he buries his face into my neck, our bodies trembling. The pace was slow, intense with every kiss and thrust, knowing that in the back of our minds it would probably be our last night together.
Morning came and I found his arm lazily draped around me, a habit that was only done when we first fell in love. Pulling away, I grab my ready suitcase and got dressed. Taking a look at our apartment, I gave it a mental good bye. Opening the door, I heard our bedroom door open.
“You’re really going?” he questions his voice gruffy and sleepy. A part of my heart ached knowing it would be the last time I would hear his voice like that. I couldn’t turn around and the lump in my throat told me that I wouldn’t be able to speak either. Heading out, I closed the door behind me. A minute later followed the sounds of objects being broken inside. Hailing a cab, I give direction to the airport. Tears flowed freely as I force myself to walk away from a life that was starting to lay itself out.